Affliction
by liyah123
Summary: What could have happened to Adam in his past to make him so angry and bitter with life? AU


Copyright: All recognizable characters belong to James Wan, Leigh Whannell, Twisted Pictures and Lionsgate Entertainment.

Seventeen-year-old Katherine Williams, known to the others only as "Katie" was sitting in her third period Science class. She was a second week into her Senior Year and all ready she was bored to tears.

She was staring mindlessly out the window, not paying any attention whatsoever to Miss Wilson's inane and boring lecture about the different kinds of marine plant life.

Honestly, why must we even learn about such things? It is not as if we are going to be using any of that knowledge in the real world. Well, maybe if you wanted to become some kind of marine biologist or scientist, but other than that. Knowledge such as that is not exactly required for normal nine to five careers and considering what kind of people this school consisted of. Any sense of normality was almost nonexistent in her future.

Katie heaved a laborious sigh and stared intently out of the window before her. It was heavily raining outside, making it almost impossible for her to see outside. But she has dedicated many hours staring out this window and has practically memorized every single detail. There was not a doubt in her mind that she could draw the scenery from memory, which she has done on many occasions.

She averted her attention back to the front of the class. She was thankful that Miss Wilson was still drabbling on with the same lecture, so she did not miss anything on account of her daydreaming.

Katie could not count how many times she has gotten reprimanded for not paying attention in her classes. It happened more times than she could count.

Concentration was never her strong point. Ever since she was a child she has had problems with sitting down in one place for a particular amount of time. She just never had the patience to listen. Her mind was always elsewhere. Dreaming of bigger and better things.

Ever since Katie has come to this high school, she was an outcast almost right away, but this was something she has had to deal with all of her life.

She has always been the shy and introverted girl. You know the one. Almost every school has one. The quiet girl who sits in the back of the class and eats by herself at lunchtime. No one ever talks to her. The only time they know she exists is when they need help with their homework or want to cheat off her paper during tests.

Katie has never understood why people treat her this way, but she knows that she probably has a lot to do with that. She never makes any attempts to befriend anyone. She would much rather just be by herself and read a book or draw. She finds characters in books much more enjoyable and interesting than real live people. At least she knows the people that live in her mind will always be there and will not abandon her like her mother and father did.

She yearns for more out of this life. There has to be something better. There just has to be. She feels so suffocated in this place. It feels as if the walls are closing in on her and she will become trapped forever in this place. Sometimes the pain gets so agonizing, that she wants to run out of the doors and never look back, but alas that is just yet another one of her daydreams.

Katie knows that she will never leave this place.

She looks up at the clock and is thankful there is only ten minutes left in the period.

Katie was anxious to get out of here.

She was also incredibly starving and was grateful she had lunch for next period. Lunch was never really exciting for her. She always sat at what was considered to be the "loser" table that was filled with the science and math nerds and also the drama enthusiasts.

Katie would sit at the table and eat her lunch or when it was a warm, she would sit outside. She never once made any attempts to talk to anyone. Even at the loser table she was an outcast.

She was so glad that this was the last year of school. She did not know if she had the strength to get through another year.

The shrilling sound of the bell signaling the end of the period rang throughout the classroom, savagely ripping her out of her reverie.

Katie sat in her seat, waiting patiently for everyone to file out of the classroom. They were so eager to get to lunch that they almost ran out like hording elephants. She did not feel like getting stampeded.

When everyone was vacant from the classroom, including the teacher, Katie slowly got up from her seat and let out an exacerbated sigh.

_Just one more class and then you're done. You made it through another day_ She reminded herself.

She walked out of the classroom and made her way down the perilous hallway, heading to her locker to get her books for next period.

Katie held the six textbooks tightly to her chest. The books were so heavy. She was positive they weighed more than she did! She could barely stand up straight for they seemed to be weighing her down. Her arms were aching and numb that they felt as if they were going to fall off.

As she slowly turned the corridor, she collided with something solid. She fell down upon her back, her books sprawling everywhere.

Katie sighed and muttered inaudibly to herself.

And she had thought her day could not get any worse. The fates above decided to remind her that it could and it was.

She heard someone saying, "Shit. Watch where the fuck you're going."

Katie craned her neck upwards to see whom she had collided into. Her eyes widened when the person's form came into focus.

It was he…Adam Faulkner.

She softly sighs and groans inwardly.

_Of all the people to run into. Should I even be surprised? That is just my kind of luck after all. _ She thought to herself.

Adam Faulkner was considered to be one of the most strangest and weirdest people in the entire school. Even more so than she.

Katie had devoted almost every year of her high school career watching him. She had to admit in all candors that he intrigued and fascinated her. There was something about him that mesmerized her. She could not take her eyes off of him.

She had always thought him to be handsome, since the first moment she laid her eyes upon him.

Katie remembers first seeing him sitting in the back of the room, away from the rest of the students. His head was cast downward onto his notebook in front of him. He seemed submersed in whatever he was doing. It was like he was oblivious to the world around him.

She could very much relate.

Adam would not be considered very appealing by today's standards.

He was short standing at what she estimated to be only about five foot six, five foot seven at the most and looked to weigh no more than one hundred and thirty pounds. Maybe even a little less than that! His dark brown hair looked oily and stringy. It almost looked like he has not washed it in a few days. He had a shaggy head of hair that was sticking up in every which way direction. It was messy and disarrayed. It looked as if he were continuously running his hands through it.

Katie wondered if it was styled intentionally or if it was by accident.

She would have bet her life upon the latter.

Adam had lugubrious azure green eyes. The pasty color of his skin seemed to add to their vibrancy. His face was covered with stubble, like he did not bother to shave for a few days.

He was wearing baggy denim blue jeans that were faded and worn out. The black combat boots he was wearing were tattered and dirty and seemed a little worse for wear. A plain white-shirt with a blue and gray plaid flannel shirt completed the outfit. The shirt seemed a tad bit too large for his small frame, making the sleeves spill over onto his hands.

Adam's choice of wardrobe seemed like something out of the grunge era. No one else dressed liked this anymore…except him.

Katie respected him for that. He did not conform nor did he strive to be somebody he was not. There were no false pretenses with him. What you saw was basically what you got.

In a school such as this, individuality is frowned upon. Anyone that was different or did not fit into the category of what was perceived to be "normal" was shunned, ostracized and humiliated.

Katie could not count how many times she would see Adam being bullied by the other boys.

They would degrade him not only mentally, but physically as well.

Judging by the ugly and nasty looking shiner under his left eye. It looked as if he was having an even shittier day than she was. She also noticed that he had a split upper lip. It was puffy and was turning a crimson shade of red. There was also a considerably large bump upon his right cheekbone that was also swelling and becoming reddened.

Katie could also see blood slowly trickling down out of his nostrils, which he quickly wiped away with the sleeve of his shirt.

There was also a lot of blood staining his once pristine white t-shirt.

Her eyes clouded with confusion as she stared upon him.

Just what in the hell happened to him?

Adam bowed his head, feeling scrutinized under her intense gaze.

Of all the people for him to run into at this moment.

And he thought that today could not get any worse…he was wrong.

Katie was the last person he wanted to see him like this.

It was heedless to say that today has been somewhat of a …shitty day.

Ever since he awoke this morning, there seemed to be an ominous cloud looming above his head, but then again, that was everyday. Life in his household was not exactly the Brady Bunch. It was more like a Lifetime movie.

Adam has always thought that his life was like something out of an after school special. He has been bullied for as long as he could remember. He was always the quiet loner who kept to himself and did not bother anyone.

That was what made him an easy target.

Of all the times he has been ostracized, mocked and ridiculed, never once has he fought back, but he does not take their demeaning and perfidious words to heart.

There are only so many times you can be called a fag, a homo or a weirdo before they lose their meaning.

High school kids were truly so original (notice the sarcasm)

Besides, these were words that he has been hearing all of his life.

His father never lets an opportunity go by without letting him know what a fucked up failure he is and how his love of photography and art will never get him anywhere.

His father always looked at him as the reason why his mother abandoned them. His eyes were always filled with venomous hate, his perfidious words always demeaning. His father never once missed an opportunity to tell him what a mistake he was and how he wished he were never born.

There were times when Adam wished the same.

He has always been a loner living in a life of solitude. When you live in a home like he did, the only person you can trust and depend on is yourself.

Adam wanted a home. He wanted to know what it was like to belong somewhere, to be wanted.

He longs to know what it would feel like to have somewhere to go to or even have someone to come home to.

All these things Adam would never admit to anyone. He had a difficult time even admitting them to himself. These are his deepest darkest dirty little secrets. Secrets that he will take to his grave.

He never lets thoughts such as these weigh heavy on his pregnant mind long. For they only weaken your will.

Adam intently studied the girl.

She had long copper colored hair that fell gracefully past her shoulders a few inches. She wore it simply down. She had it tucked neatly behind her ears with some wayward strands framing her face. Her hair was thick and wavy. It shined brilliantly under the soft lights. His fingers itched to run his hands through her silky hair and tuck the tendrils of hair back behind her ear. The color of her hair fascinated him. It was unlike any color he has ever seen before. It was a rich copper with gold highlights. The lustrous tendrils of curls tumbling gracefully down her shoulders. The strands looked like the finest silk ever made. His hands itched to stroke through the thick mass, letting the softness slide through his fingers.

The girl's features were delicate. Her skin was as white as porcelain. It was smooth and flawless. Cinnamon freckles dusted her small button nose spreading out onto her cheeks. Her cheekbones were highly defined, almost regal, which was clear evidence of good breeding. She wore no makeup whatsoever. In his mind, she did not need it. She was naturally beautiful without it. Most girls wore ersatz manufactured junk to hide what they lacked, but there was nothing she needed to improve on.

She was perfect.

He found his eyes unconsciously falling to her full lips and wondered if they felt as soft as they looked.

He could not control his mind from pondering what those plush lips would feel like upon his own and on…other parts of his body.

Adam looked at the color of her eyes as she stared perplexingly upon him. They were a smoky brown color with flecks of green sparkling within them. This was the first time he was close to enough to fully appreciate how mesmerizingly beautiful they truly were. Her long soft lashes seemed to accentuate them even more. It was the first thing he noticed when he first laid his eyes upon her. He could hardly tear his eyes away from them and found himself involuntarily falling within their depths.

No girl had ever affected him like this before.

Every time he looked at her, he felt this undeniable aching pang inside of his chest. It felt as if someone had his heart in an iron hold grip and was twisting it so tightly that he could barely breathe.

She seemed to have this calming and soothing affect upon him.

It was odd; she did not even have that great of a body. She was a tad bit on the skinny side and had to be no more than a b-cup. She was very petite, almost fragile looking. She almost reminded him of a little porcelain doll.

The girl was not exactly graced with great fashion sense.

They had that in common.

She was wearing a pair of denim jeans, plain white sneakers and simple plain light grey v-neck long sleeved shirt.

Her clothes were frumpy and childish. It looked like something a first grader would wear, not a seventeen-year-old girl.

There was just something about her that intrigued him.

She was gorgeous. There was not a doubt in his mind about that. She had sort of a quiet beauty. It was not striking or obvious like the other girls. It was something one would not see upon first glance. You had to take the time to _really_ look at her.

He wondered if anyone but himself had ever taken the time to do so

It was the factual truth, but that was not what drew him to her.

It was her innocence…her purity. There seemed to be this ethereal light emanating from her being. Just looking into her wide unkempt curious eyes, he could see it. She was untouched and untainted by the monstrosities of the world.

Adam wanted not someone to satiate the desires of his flesh, but to ease his soul as well. He wanted someone to envelop him within their safe embrace and chase the demons away that have been haunting him for years.

The girl was an empyrean being. She looked at everyone and everything with an unguarded and naïve point of view.

Adam could not help but feel envy towards this girl.

She was everything he never could be.

If he was as much of a bastard as everyone said he was, he would take advantage of her naivety. He would drain her soul until there was nothing left but a hollow empty shell.

Much like what he had become…

A man such as himself could never get involved with someone like she.

Besides, it was not as if a girl like her would ever want to get involved with scum like him anyway. He was below her.

Adam was not an intelligent man by any means, but he knew his boundaries and this was definitely one he would never cross.

No matter how much he wanted to…

Her name was Katie Williams.

She had caught his eye the first time he had seen her walk into his first period Science class.

There was just something about her that intrigued and fascinated him.

Adam would always watch her as she wrote in her ever-present notebook or she would be reading a book. She would never converse with anyone, nor would they ever approach her. It was not as if the other students hated her, they did not know her well enough. It was not as if they ever bothered. She never gave them the chance to. She gave off this air of indifference that many found beguiling and intimidating.

He would always go to this park every Saturday to get some peace from his father and take some photos of the scenery, but Adam knew that was not the only reason.

Adam went there for one reason and one reason only…Katie.

Every Saturday he would go to the park, the same time and sit in the same place, just knowing that she would be there.

He would take pictures, while she would sit a considerable distance away, silently reading her book.

Together they enjoyed the comforting and companionable silence.

Adam wished that she would come over and talk to him. He wondered if he would ever have the courage to talk to her.

But just knowing that she was there was enough.

It was as if the two of them did not need to say a word for they knew what the other was thinking. That no matter how far away from one another they were, they would always have each other. They had this connection that neither could comprehend nor define. All they knew was that it was there and it was the most purest and realist thing either one of them has ever known.

No one ever looked at him the way she did. Women and men alike. She looked at him as if he was actually worth something. As if he was actually worthy of being in her presence. She did not look at him with disgust as if he were filth.

That meant more to him than he would ever dare admit to himself.

When she looked at him, her eyes were filled not with disgust, but with…respect and admiration. Those were two words he thought would never be associated with the likes of him, but there were no other words to describe what he saw in her eyes. Her wide doe eyes were shining brilliantly with curiosity and amazement.

It made him feel something he has never felt before in all his seventeen years on this Earth…worthy.

Ever since he was a child, he has always guarded himself. It was a defense mechanism for protecting himself from others. He vowed that never again would he weaken himself and become vulnerable.

All these things he has his father to thank for.

That was one of the few things he was sure of his father. He left a lasting impression, physically and mentally.

There was just something about this girl that he could not seem to figure out.

She was such an enigma.

Adam had his head bowed, refusing to look at her out of sheer embarrassment. He knew what he would find when he looked into her eyes…pity. If there was one thing he hated more it was anyone looking at him with pity.

He did not want anyone feeling sorry for him, especially her.

For some reason unbeknownst to him, she roused all these feelings inside of him that he was not used to having.

Never once had he ever dared to talk to her. He was not deserving of her. He would only cause her pain and anguish.

He was not meant to be loved or cared for by anyone.

Adam's own mother could not even love him.

Why was he foolish enough to think that this beautiful and innocent young girl could love a man like he?

Katie got up off of the ground and gently laid her hand upon his shoulder, "Are you all right?" Her eyes were wide and alit with what could only be discerned as worry.

Katie's eyes widened as she saw him look down at her hand upon his shoulder. He looked at it almost as if she were performing some miracle upon him. All of the sudden he jumped back as if her hand was on fire. It was almost as if her touch hurt him for strange and some unknown reason. That piqued her interests very much. To think that a simple touch such as that affected him in such a way, like it was a rare occurrence.

Maybe in his mind, it was…

Just what had this man gone through for him to react in such a way from a mere touch of care?

There seemed to be something about him that was so guarded and…introverted. Just looking at him, she sensed this deep sense of loneliness and…longing. It was the same kind of yearning that she felt within herself.

Adam stared intensely upon her, his green eyes boring into her brown ones. The heat of his arresting and penetrating gaze made her feel as if molten lava were coursing through her veins. Goosebumps fleshed out on her skin and she felt a gelid chill running up and down her spine. It took all of the strength she had inside of her not to shiver.

How was it that a mere look could induce her to such a state?

She noticed that his eyes slightly widened and darkened with something she dared not think about at the moment. She was sure that whatever she was feeling, he was feeling the same.

Katie stared into his eyes, wanting to look away, but she just could not bring herself to do so. It was as if he had her under some enchanting spell. The moment reminded her of something out of a teen movie. It was every cliché that you could think of

Adam gave her a sideways glance and looked down upon her small hand that was lying upon his shoulder in wonderment. It has been such a long time since anyone has touched him in a gentle manner. The last time he could even remember being touched this way was when his mother was still around. Sure, it may have just been a simple gesture, but to him it meant everything. For this behavior was such a foreign concept to him. Usually people only touch him to cause harm, not to comfort him.

The tone of her voice was soft and wispy. The lilting and enunciation of her words coalesced with her Australian accent flowed over him like a lulling lullaby. It was odd how he has shared classes with her all of these years and this is the first time he has ever heard her speak. It sent chills down his spine and seemed to have a calming and soothing effect upon him.

Just her presence alone was enough to soothe him.

When he looked at her, he felt as if he had known her his entire life. Nothing that he felt for her seemed wrong. In fact, nothing had ever felt more right.

He could not get her out of his mind. Her image was branded into his brain. He just could not seem to shake her, no matter how hard he tried. He knew that his attempts were futile. Something told him that this was not the type of girl one would forget so easily. She was like an incurable disease coursing through his veins, poisoning his mind.

His obsession for her was unnatural, borderline stalkerish. He sometimes would find himself walking past her house and staring up at her window, wishing he was inside there with her where it was safe. He would even go as far as to take pictures of her at times. They were nothing scandalous really. Just pictures of her sitting by herself at lunch or at the park, reading or drawing, as she was always seen doing. He knew that it was wrong. Some would even call him a sick, perverse and twisted voyeur. Maybe he was all of these things, but strangely he could find nothing wrong in what he was doing. Those pictures he had taken were the only things that kept him sane. It was the only way he would ever be able to be close to her. They got him through those dark, lonely and cold nights after having another thrown down with his bastard of a father. He would spend hours some nights just staring at them in awe and fascination.

Do not get him wrong. In no way did he use these pictures for his own sexual gratification. No, never would he defile or degrade her existence in such a way. She meant so much more to him than that. He just liked to stare at them. He would spend most of his nights just looking at them and wondering what was going through her mind at the moment they were taken. In some he would see this far away look in her eyes. Her eyes were shrouded in what could only be discerned as sadness and…loneliness. It was almost like looking into a mirrored reflection of his own. It was like she was searching for something, but did not understand what she was looking for.

Adam could very much relate.

Her unkempt beauty, profound and abounding grace were just two of the many reasons.

Katie was everything a man could ever want, but never dared to dream of having. She was unattainable and…forbidden to him.

It was obvious that she came from a well structured and balanced home. She was an only child and came from a wealthy family that spoiled and doted upon her.

He lived with his father in a rundown low-income housing project. He was nothing more than white trash.

Adam pondered why she did not associate herself with the other students. Did she think that she was better than them? Or could there be another problem underlying the surface? He noticed how she would slouch in her chair. It was almost like she was trying to make herself invisible.

He wanted this girl more than he has ever wanted anything or anyone in his entire life.

Adam yearned not just for her body, but her soul as well. Looking into her eyes was like looking into a paradox of his own. He saw the lugubrious overshadowing of sorrow and loneliness illuminating in her eyes.

He could drown in those eyes.

He felt akin to her. It felt as if for the first time he had found someone who could understand and accept him for what he was.

She was quiet, shy, introverted and most of all…frightened. She seemed withdrawn and mentally cut off from the rest of the world.

Adam knew all too well that that felt like.

He just could get her out of his mind. Her image was branded into his brain. He just could not seem to shake her, no matter how hard he tried. He knew that his attempts were futile. Something told him that this was not the type of girl one would forget so easily. She was like an incurable disease coursing through his veins, poisoning his mind.

To think that she would be worried about someone like him. A mere stranger whom she had never even talked to before.

That meant more to him than he would ever admit. To anyone, but most of all…himself.

There seemed to be something about this girl that affected him unlike anyone he has ever met before. She had him feeling emotions he thought he did not have the capabilities to experience. She was a mere stranger to him, but yet just standing there in front of her. He felt as if he has known her his entire life.

Katie had an effect upon him like no other person he has met before, regardless of her gender. Although, her beauty an abundance of grace never ceased to astound him. It went far deeper than that. She stirred something inside of him he thought a man such as himself was incapable of feeling. With just one glance of her mesmerizing eyes he lost all train of thought and will to breathe. Just being in her presence washed a wave of serenity and complacence through him. She gave him something no one else could ever give …hope.

When she looked up at him with those eyes, she instilled inside of him the hope that maybe his soul was still yet worthy of being redeemed. For so long he was this empty and hollow shell of a being. It was a void that no one could ever seem to fill…until now.

Around her he felt like a whole person.

He did not feel so broken and damaged.

Everything about her turned him on…her innocence especially. All through class, heated images of her were running through his mind. Her close proximity was only making matters worse. It made his urges even stronger.

He would stare at her mesmerized, watching as she lightly bit the tip of her pencil as she stared up at the teacher in concentration. The sight of her plush lips wrapping around the edge caused perspiration to break out upon his forehead. Seeing her small pink wet tongue slowly sweeping across her lips, wetting them was almost too much for him to bear. His heart was beating so loudly he was surprised that the whole class did not hear it.

Adam could think of much more interesting and fun ways to make use of those lips and tongue.

He had never thought there would be a day when he would become jealous of a pencil. But it seemed as if he were doing a lot of things that were out of character where she was concerned.

Of course, all these lustful thoughts were running through his mind. These sort of things were natural. He was a hormonal teenage boy, but he did not yearn for her to satiate his desires of his flesh. What he really needed was for someone to satiate the needs of his soul. He wanted someone to envelop them in their warm embrace and chase the demons in his nightmares away. To comfort and hold him and let him know he was not alone in this world.

It is the basic need that thrives within us all. The need to be loved and accepted by someone.

Adam shook his head, "None of your fucking business."

He regretted the words as soon as he said them. It was not his intention to be so mean and callous, she was only expressing concern for him, but he could not control his anger over the situation.

The only reason why she was even talking to him was because she pitied him. She did not really care for him. He did not want her to think she was obligated to him in anyway.

Katie bowed her head and sighed.

Was he that ashamed of what had happened to him?

Or was there something else bothering him?

There seemed to be so many complex layers to him and she yearned to discover each and every one.

That was if he ever let her get close enough to even try.

Katie's eyes widened as she suddenly realized where her thoughts were straying.

What has gotten into her? This was out of character and so unlike her nature. She has never felt such things for a boy…ever.

Katie has always had a crush on Adam. She would spend hours silently staring at him in the shadows, admiring him from afar. She became enthralled and mesmerized watching him.

He completely astonished her. She just could not seem to figure him out. It seemed as if he had built an iron hold bastion around himself making it almost impossible for anyone to get too close. It was clearly elucidated to her by the way he carried himself. It was as if he was completely on guard all of the time. He never once met her gaze for an extended period of time. He would always turn away, immediately putting his head down as if in shame. He reminded her of a child being caught doing something naughty.

Katie was attuned that there was something of monumental proportions underlying his behavior. She could clearly read it in his green eyes. They screamed of despair, desperation, pain, hopelessness and most of all…guilt. It shone so brilliantly within his eyes that he need not have to say a word. His eyes spoke for him. They told her that this man was struggling with something so deep and profound that it went outside the realms of understanding and comprehending, but not to her. Only people that have been through similar experiences could understand it. Every time she looked into the mirror and stared upon her reflection. Her eyes never missed an opportunity of reminding her of all that she wished to forget.

There seemed to be so many complex layers to this man. She could not help but wonder what she would find when she stripped and peeled him down to his very core. Maybe he would never let her get even close enough to try.

There was a park right down the street from her that she would go to every Saturday, knowing that he would be there. She would go to the park the same time every week and sure enough, she would find him there. He would be sitting under a tree, with his camera neatly placed upon his lap. His eyes would be intently studying pictures splayed out in front of him.

Katie would be in wide-eyed amazement as she inconspicuously watched him. His hair would be falling in front of his eyes. The passion that was shown as he lifted his photographs up to the light was the most beautiful sight she had ever seen.

_He_ was the most beautiful sight she has ever seen.

One would not usually use that word when describing a boy, but that was just what he was…beautiful.

She just never had the courage to go over and talk to him. Not that he would have gave her the time of day anyway. In his mind she did not even exist. She did not belong in his world.

Katie met Adam's intense gaze.

Time seemed endless and everything else dissipated around them as they stared into one another's eyes.

Katie tore her eyes away from his and quickly bowed her head.

Adam heard the susurration of a sigh as she shook her head as if it were in a daze.

She bent down onto the floor and began picking up her books.

He watched as she was scurrying around the floor on her knees, picking up the books.

There were over six books lying upon the floor. The textbooks looked as large as phonebooks! There was no doubt in his mind that they were heavy.

_Shit, one of them probably weighs more than she does. _He thought to himself.

Adam wondered how such a small thing as she could carry all those books.

Guilt suddenly began rising up within him as he stared down at her.

He sighed in exacerbation and shook his head, muttering an inaudible obscenity under his breath.

Adam bent down onto his knees and began picking up a few of the books.

Katie averted her gaze sideways.

Her eyes widened in shock as she noticed that Adam was adhering to her aide.

Here he was, beat to a bloody pulp and he was helping her.

A small smile tugged at the corners of her lips as she gazed at him from under her lashes. She was very grateful for his help. She knew that he was trying to be of help…in his own way. This simple act instilled the hope inside of her that maybe there was still a chance for him yet. Under that cold hardened exterior lies a gentle and caring person. She knew that it was in there somewhere. She could tell just by looking into his eyes.

Adam had over four books in his hands.

Katie met his gaze directly and nodded her head graciously.

"Thank you." Adam nodded his head as well, not saying a word.

He cleared his throat and ran a shaky hand through his hair.

Adam kept his head bowed, not being able to have the courage to look at her for what he was about to say, "Sorry for…ya know."

His voice reverberated through her, making Goosebumps flesh throughout her skin. The tone of his voice was husky and rough that sounded incredible sexy with his native New Jersey drawl.

Katie smiled, "It's cool. It's not your fault. I understand why your mind was preoccupied."

He coyly stole a quick glance at her.

She was looking at him in that way again.

The way that made him want to bite the bullet, yank her in his arms and kiss the living daylights out of her.

It was a wide doe eyed innocent look.

Her flawless alabaster skin looked so smooth and silky. He could only imagine what it would feel like under his palms and lips.

There was this dark and bestial side of him that wanted to mark her as his. He wanted to be the first man that introduced her to the joys of lovemaking. There was this incredibly sexy and sensual side of her that was beckoning to be freed from its gilded cage. He longed to be the one to set it loose.

Sweat was once again forming at his brow and his hands were becoming clammy. His heart was racing just thinking about it.

How was it that even the mere thought of her could induce him to such a weakened state?

This girl was going to be the death of him.

Throngs of students were bustling through the hallways, but no one even seems to notice them.

It was as if the both of them were invisible.

To everyone but one another.

There was no doubt in her mind that he pitied her and was only trying to be nice.

Adam did not know how what to say to the girl, or if he should say anything. He was never really much a conversationalist. In fact, he could not even remember a time when he had a full-length civilized conversation with _anyone_, especially with members of the opposite sex.

Adam knew that he was not exactly the kind of man a woman wanted to bring home to the folks.

A man such as himself was not seen as someone who anyone would be proud to call their own.

Who could blame them considering what he was?

That was why this girl piqued his interests. She was not like the rest of them. She did not look at him as other girls did with disgust and pity.

Adam could love her for that.

He _did _love her for that.

When Katie attempted to get her books from Adam, he shook his head, "Nah, I'll walk ya to your locker."

"You don't have to, it's fine. My locker's only like around the corner."

Adam sighed, "Look, it's the least I can do considering I plummeted ya into the ground. You better take advantage of this rare moment. I'm not usually this nice."

Katie arched her eyebrow and nodded, "I've noticed."

"Have you?" He softly beseeched of her.

Her eyes widened and she bowed her head.

Katie reprimanded herself for talking so candidly. How could she let those words slip so easily from her mouth?

She could feel the heat of his penetrating gaze radiating through her and wondered what was running through his head.

Adam could not believe she had said those words. Sure she may have just been trying to be confident, but for some strange reason he could not help but feel as if it were more than that.

At least, he hoped that it was.

Adam extended his hand to Katie.

She looked at it, deliberating if she should take his hand or not.

Katie decided not to stress upon it any further; she slowly and cautiously put her hand within his.

Adam gently lifted her off of the ground.

He let Katie stand in front of him as she led him to her locker.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

When they approached Katie's locker, she turned around and found herself once again face to face with Adam.

The two of them were standing closely together.

Even though Adam was considerably short for his age, Katie was even shorter. She had to crane her head upward to look at him.

She smiled and said, "Thank you, Adam."

Surprise flickered in his eyes as he looked upon her.

He began feeling this familiar pang deep inside of his chest at the sound of her saying his name. So many times he had dreamt how his name would sound spilling from those lips. He had to admit that it felt good to know that she knew his name. It sparked something inside of him. Feelings he thought a man such as himself could never have.

His name sounded so good coming from her mouth. The way she softly spoke it in that lilting cute little accent of hers.

It was as if he was named for her to only say his name.

Adam curtly nodded, "No problem…Katie."

Now it was Katie's turn to look at him in astonishment. How was it that he knew her name? Of course, it could have been very easy for him to find out her name, just as it was for her to know his. They did have a few classes together.

Not that he ever showed up for any of them.

In all the classes that they have shared together over the years, she could not remember a time that he had ever shown up. When he did decide to come to class, he would sit all the way back in the classroom just as she did. He would not even pay attention in class, nor would he participate in any of the lessons, but then again neither did she.

Who was she to judge?

Katie pondered how a guy like him could remember her name.

No one remembered her name.

Hell, even her teachers did not even know her name.

To everyone it was as if she did not exist.

For the first time since the dawning of her fruition, she finally felt as if someone had taken the time and noticed her.

This only affirmed what she had known all along, but was too afraid to admit to herself.

Katie was in love with Adam.

She always had been, ever since she first laid her eyes upon him, she knew. She knew that he would be the one who would change her entire world, as she knew it forever.

There was just one problem…the two of them were complete strangers to one another.

Feeling uncomfortable with her realization, she swiftly turned around, with her back facing him to open her locker.

Katie put the textbooks that were clutched in her hand inside the locker.

Adam leaned over her shoulder, putting the textbooks he was carrying inside there as well.

She closed her eyes momentarily as his intoxicating scent wafted through her nostrils. He smelled of tobacco coalesced with a distinctive pine smell. There was also this spicy scent to him that was all his own. It was something that was uniquely male. His scent wafted through her nose. He smelled of cigarette smoke and fresh air that was mixed with another musky scent that was uniquely male. It was a clean and fresh scent. Something that was all Adam.

She was thankful he was not one of those boys who drowned themselves in cologne. Boys wore so much of it she was sure they bathed in a bottle of it before going out. She wondered where did boys get the idea that girls found that attractive. It scared them away more than anything.

Katie swore that the whole male population got baths in it before they came to school. Even sitting all the way in the back, she could smell some of the boy's cologne. The scents were so strong that when they passed papers back in her row, she could smell it upon her paper.

She liked the fact that he was not like the other boys.

It was the one thing that she loved the most about him.

Katie's eyes widened at that word.

It seemed that she has been using that word a lot lately when it came to Adam, but it was the God's honest truth. She loved him, with every fiber of her being.

If only she had the courage to tell him.

Then again there was always that fear of rejection. She was almost positive that he did not feel the same way. How could he? They barely knew one another. If she would to tell him of her feelings, he would most likely laugh in her face and call her a psycho.

Katie was beginning to think that was just what she was.

Adam opened his mouth to say something when the shrilling sound of the bell signaling that lunch was over, silenced him.

She sighed, "Well, I guess I have to head to next period. You should get those cuts on your face taken care of."

Adam shrugged and bowed his head, "Nah, I'm used to it."

He regretted those words as soon as they came from his mouth. Here he was not wanting any pity, but if he kept saying shit such as that. It was what he would keep getting.

He sighed and shoved his hands deep into his pockets, "Well, I should get going.'

Katie nodded, "To class?"

He nodded his head, "Yeah…if you say so."

Adam lifted his head and grinned at her.

Katie smiled and shook her head in amusement, "Now why does that not surprise me. Going anywhere in particular?"

"Why? Are you going to rat me out?"

She laughed, "No, not at all. I was just…" She shook her head and waved her hand dismissively in the air, "You know what? Forget it. "

"What is it you wanted to ask me?" Adam could not contain the eagerness in the tone of his voice as he asked her the question, but he just could not help himself. Curiosity was human nature, after all.

Katie bowed her head and shook it, "No, it was nothing."

He knew that there was something she wanted to say to him. He could see it clearly written in her eyes. He wished that for once he would stop being a punk and drudge up the courage to tell her how he really feels.

_Stop being a pussy, Adam. Just fuckin tell her._ He screamed to himself.

Adam's fear overpowered the complexity pertaining to the situation.

He heaved an anguished sigh and curtly nodded his head, "All right then, I guess I'll see ya around."

Not saying another word, he met her gaze directly momentarily. He gave her a small smile and turned around, walking away from her.

Katie watched in sorrow as he walked down the hall, his head cast downward solemnly.

He walked in a steadfast pace with his hands shoved deeply inside of his pockets.

Tears filled her eyes and began cascading down her face like cataracts, but she made not any attempts to heed them. Her sole focus was upon the lone boy walking down the hallway.

The boy whom she loved with all of her heart.

Adam was by far the most handsome guy she has ever laid her eyes on.

There was so something so irresistible and forbidden about him. He was everything her father and mother warned her about.

But her parents are not here now and she is free to make her own decisions and live her own life the way that she sees fit.

If she only had the courage to do so.

Katie was never one to take risks. She would much rather take the safe route. It was much better for her that way. She felt protected in the cocoon she had enveloped herself in.

Well, at least that is what she keeps telling herself.

Ignorance is bliss is it not?

She knew that she should say something instead of standing there staring like a brainless idiot.

For once she wanted to take all caution to the wind and do what _she _wants rather than to abide by everyone else's rules.

Katie saw Adam glance back at her before turning the corridor, disappearing in her espy.

She turned around and put her head inside of her opened locker as she quietly sobbed.

It was not supposed to be like this.

How could she love someone that she does not know?

See, that was what is so strange about their situation.

Even though they have never spoken one word to one another before now, she felt as if she knew him better than she has known anyone her entire life.

Katie was positive he felt the same.

She could just tell by looking into those haunting green eyes of his.

It was right then that she experienced a moment of clarity.

An Epiphany…

Katie furiously wiped the tears from her eyes and slammed her locker door closed, the sound echoed throughout the now abandoned hallway.

She did not even care that she was missing the beginning of her last class. The only thing upon her mind at this moment was that she was letting the most important person in her life easily slip through her fingers.

If she had learned anything in her short seventeen years living on this Earth it was that to savor life you have to actually sample it. Her reluctance to admit her emotions had starved not just her body.

But her soul as well…

It's all leading to the famine of her hope.

And it was spoiling her appetite for life in the process.

It was now or never…

Whenever she looks at him, she wants to scream aloud. She wants to say, "Okay, here it is, your choice… it's simple, Adam. I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me."

If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place.

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Heavy rain was pouring out from the darkened sky.

Adam's clothes were practically drenched. His teeth were slightly chattering due unto the gelid temperatures the rain induced, but he could not feel a thing.

His mind and body felt benumbed to the very core.

The only thing he felt was the aching and agonizing pain that dwelt deep inside the unexplored crevices of his heart.

Tears gathered inside of his eyes, slowly falling down his face, but the rain masked anyone from seeing him crying.

Even now his pride was getting the best of him.

His father had always told him that real men never cry.

Even when his father was beating the living shit out of him, never would he shed a tear. It would only feed his sick and twisted mind. He would never give him the satisfaction.

Not anymore…

It would all end tonight…

Walking away from Katie was the hardest thing he ever had to do. She was the only person on this Earth he cared for…loved.

She was everything to him. She was his entire universe. Loving her was as natural to him as breathing. She was the only thing he was truly sure of. If it were not for her, he would have killed himself a long time ago.

And she did not even know it…

Adam would get up every morning and get dressed for school just to catch a glimpse of her. Watching her was his only joy in life.

He would watch her at lunch as she sat by herself, quietly reading a book and eating her lunch. So many times he had envisioned what it would be like to sit beside her. To put his arm around her and simply talk with her.

Adam yearned to know what it would feel like to know that she was his and vice versa.

All he had ever wanted was to know what it was like to love someone and be loved in return. Is that too much to ask? It is such a simple thing, but something that most people take for granted everyday.

He cannot go through another day of this torture…this struggle.

Adam had no particular destination of where he was going, he was just walking around aimlessly, but somehow he had ended up in the park.

Their park…

He walked over to his tree and slumped down upon his knees, not even caring that he was knee deep in fresh mud.

Adam closed his eyes and savored the invigorating feeling of the cold rain falling down upon his body.

This was such a bittersweet moment.

It gave him a taste of what it was like to be alive.

This is what living must feel like.

A man like him never knew the meaning of the word…

Adam ran his hands through his wet hair, swiping it back out of his face.

For the first time since he could remember…he sobbed like a child.

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Katie ran outside of the school and found it to be heavily raining outside.

She did not even think of taking her car, she just ran.

She did not even know where she was going.

It was as if some unknown force was guiding her to the destination.

Katie was shocked to find herself at the park.

She had no idea why she had brought herself to this park. It was the epitome of him; even the swing would just make her remember. She scolded herself as tears threatened to flow. She shouldn't be crying over him.

She never thought the day would come that she would be crying over a _boy_. They didn't deserve her tears. _He_ didn't deserve her tears.

It was this secret that had ripped her up inside, it had torn her apart, and it had only made her feelings for him grow stronger and she no longer felt like she had control. And him, being the _stupid_ male that he was, was completely oblivious to what she was feeling. She was sure that he of all people would be able to figure it out, he could read her like an open book, he knew every emotion she had but he couldn't figure out this one. Neither could anyone else.

"You wear your heart on your sleeve sometimes, but it doesn't mean that we know what your heart is saying." Her mother's words echoed through her head.

She had analyzed this statement over and over in her head until it hadn't made sense to her anymore. Nothing made sense to her anymore, the only thing that made sense was her feelings for him, but yet, they still didn't make sense.

She was told she was deep, but she wasn't. She didn't say much but that wasn't because she chose not to, she just didn't know what to say. She was scared of _everything_ but she gave off a fearless aura.

The only thing stable was him, but he was unstable, he made her moods, and she had incorporated herself to breathe in rhythm with him, subconsciously of course.

And then something inside her had snapped. Her feelings could no longer be kept in, they needed to be out in the open, they needed to be free from that cage they were put in long ago, and her heart needed to belong to someone other than herself.

Today was the day she had decided to tell him. She had made her way towards the little park where he often went after school most afternoons. No matter time, rain or shine, she would always find him there. Her heart had been thumping loudly in her chest, filled with a mixture of excitement and nervousness.

Their park…

She did not know how she ended up here. She just somehow knew that he would be here.

Katie's vision was blurred due unto the rain and her tears, but she could make out a lone figure kneeling under a tree.

She sighed in relief, knowing in heart that was he.

She walked into the park and slowly and cautiously walked up behind him.

Katie could see his shoulders slightly heaving up and down. She heard the susurration of what appeared to be sobs.

The sounds were enough to make even more tears fall from her eyes.

It was the most heartbreaking sound she has ever heard.

It was gut-wrenching sobs. Sobs that seemed to come straight from his soul. She wondered what kind of pain could cause him to react in such a way.

Never had she seen anyone cry like this before.

To see a man crying this way made it even more painful to watch.

Katie lifted her hand to cautiously lay it upon his back.

She closed her eyes to steady her frayed nerves.

This was it…the moment of truth.

The moment that would make or break her.

Without giving it another thought, she gently laid her hand upon his back.

"Adam" she softly whispered to him.

He jumped slightly and swiftly turned around to face her. His eyes widened as he saw who was standing before him.

Adam did not know what to do or say upon this moment.

Never in his wildest imagination did he think that he would see Katie standing before him like this.

Her beautiful hair was wet, becoming curly. It was sticking to her even more beautiful face. Her cheeks held a faint red tint to them from the rain. Her eyes were brightly alit with what appeared to be tears, but he could not discern if it was merely from the rain or something else.

How many times had he imagined her standing like this before him?

Adam dreamt it more times than he could ever count.

Katie dropped down to her knees before him, not even caring that her brand new jeans were being completely soiled in mud.

She cupped his cheeks with the palm of her hands and smiled softly at him.

Adam's eyes widened in surprise, "What the hell are you doing here, Katie?"

"I'm doing what I should have done over three years ago…I'm living. "

He could not believe what he was hearing. He was sure that he was imagining this. This was just too good to be true. Things such as this do not happen to people like him. This was yet again just a another fantasy conceived by his disillusioned mind.

Katie could read the disbelief written in his eyes, "I'm serious, Adam. Do you know that my mind is a thesaurus filled with your looks, touches and expressions? I have imagined you in so many descriptive ways that I could win a damn Pulitzer Prize for Literature. I'm tired of being a personal pronoun." She bowed her head and said in a voice below a whisper, "I want to be a possessive. I want to be…yours. I have never wanted anything more in my whole life"

Adam looked at her in bewilderment and shook his head in disbelief, unwilling to believe that she was actually saying these things to him.

Have you ever felt like you could cry because you know that you just heard the most important thing anybody in the world could have spoken at that moment?

_Not even for my parents to come back from their graves, _she silently added within herself.

Surrender is faith that the power of love can accomplish anything... even when you cannot foresee the outcome

Sometimes what seems like surrender isn't surrender at all. It's about what's going on in our hearts. About seeing clearly the way life is and accepting it and being true to it, whatever the pain, because the pain of not being true to it is far, far greater. Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great. Touch passion when it comes your way...It's rare enough as it is. Don't walk away when it calls you by name.

Katie forced him to meet her gaze, "I know you're scared, Adam So am I. Ever since I met you, you have been the most beautiful thing in my orbit, and my feelings for you were what proved to me that I could be great, and those feelings were stronger and were wiser and more persistent and more resilient than anything else about me."

She did not want to overwhelm him with so much delicate information all at once. She did not want to risk him going into sensory overload, thus scaring him off.

Judging by the wild-eyed expression that he was looking at her with.

Maybe she all ready had…

Adam gasped aloud at her words.

He savagely tore his head away from her grasp and sprung up off of the ground. He stumbled backwards, falling back against the tree.

Adam's mind was frantic, desperately trying to find the right words to express his feelings without hurting her.

Hurting her would be the last thing that he would ever want to do, which was why he had to get her as far away from him as possible.

He was what his father never ceased to remind him…unworthy.

"You don't know what you're saying, Katie. You don't want to be mine. I have too much baggage to deal with. Hell, I don't even want to deal with my own shit at times."

Katie ran a shaky hand through her hair, got up off of the ground and walked towards him, "You think that you're the only one who has issues? Well, so do I. I know you're not perfect, Adam." She let out an embittered laugh, "I'm far from it."

He shook his head and whispered, "To me you are."

She could not believe her ears. Surely she must have been hallucinating. Adam would never say words like that to her.

Hell, _no one _ever said anything to her like that and coming out of his mouth, just made it all the more surreal.

Her eyes widened in disbelief as she stared at him.

Adam looked back at her, fixing her with his intense gaze. _The_ gaze that almost made her want to drop back down upon her knees.

"What did you say to me?" She beseeched of him, her voice filled with awe.

Surely she must have heard him wrong. Those words did not come out of his mouth. It was solely a product of her own overactive imagination.

How many times had she lain in her bed at night, fantasizing what it would be like to hear him say those exact words to her?

It happened so many times that she could hardly keep count.

Katie slowly walked over and stood in front of him. They were standing so closely to one another that their foreheads were almost touching.

Adam's head was bowed, staring intently down at his feet.

Katie lifted her hand, it was violently shaking, but it had less to do with the brisk falling rain and more to do with what she was about to do.

Adam gave the smallest of sighs as she caressed his cheek and jaw lightly with her fingers and then nuzzled in against his neck before she drew back just a bit and looked at him. He could feel her warm breath and he closed his eyes just as she slowly touched her lips softly to his in a gentle and tentative first kiss.

Adam simply allowed the tender caress to happen, savoring the sweet moment and the chill that shot though the pit of his stomach, before moving to return it. His hands were at his sides, clenching into tight fists. He was trying to remain cool, calm and complacent. He did not want to let her know how much she affected him.

Her touch not only affected his body, but his soul as well.

Katie sucked gently on his full bottom lip and as he tentatively moved forward into the fragile kiss, he felt her bottom lip move to brush against his upper one, tugging at it slightly to slide the tip of her tongue just inside the curve of his lip.

Katie could not contain the pleasure that shot through her the moment that her lips touched his. All the nervousness and fear pertaining to the situation fleeted the instant she felt him eagerly return her kiss.

It occurred to her that this was her very first kiss and she could not have thought of a better person to share it with.

Taking a slow breath, Adam gently drew her tongue within his mouth, deepening the kiss, caressing it with his own before letting it retreat back. He followed into

her mouth with his own tongue, tasting her heated sweetness.

Katie moved to accommodate his caress, to open more to him, bring him deeper. She had not a clue of what she was doing. She was just going with her instincts. By unspoken mutual consent, the kiss moved on to a harder, more desperate edge, going on endlessly and deeper with years of longing and craving behind it.

Adam cupped his hand behind her neck, gently grasping a hand full of her mass of curls in his closed tight fist, while the other arm was tightly wrapped around her waist.

She had both of her arms tightly wrapped around his neck, while he supported her weight against the tree trunk.

This moment not only feels perfect…it is perfect.

They are both trembling, not from the cold rain or brisk weather, but from the intense pleasure they are both receiving and giving to one another.

Together they stand…divided they will fall.

They may not have much going for them, but they do have one thing. It is something that no one can ever take away from them.

One another…

Finally, Adam had to come up for air.

As he nuzzled his head into the curve of her neck, he was quiet a moment

As his breathing evened out and he realized that Katie had slipped her small shaking hand over his heart during the best kiss he'd ever been given.

Shit, the _only _kiss he has ever been given. He may not have anything else to compare it to, but he was absolutely sure without a fraction of a doubt that was an incredible kiss. No matter who may come after, nothing could compare to your first kiss. It was everything he ever hoped it would be and more and the fact that he was deeply in love with this girl only intensified the kiss. It was not so much the physical act itself, but the feelings and emotional connection they shared only solidified the fact that this was the girl he has been dreaming of his entire life.

This alone was way more than he ever believed he could have and yet he knew there was more awaiting them. He could hardly understand the extreme fortune given to him at this point of his life.

Katie placed a small light butterfly kiss upon his throat. He bit his bottom lip and sucked in his breath hard, letting out a soft hissing sound. Even an innocent touch such as that aroused his senses.

He knew that it had to do with the sheer fact that this girl actually meant something to him.

As much as Adam wanted more than anything to lay her down upon the Earthen floor and make love to her. He knew that now was not the right time. She was not ready for such a big step yet. Everything was new to her. He had respect for her and would wait. Besides, he was not exactly ready for such a big step either. He was as new to this as she was.

That was what scared the living hell out of him.

Adam has never had love for anyone in his life, nor did anyone show any love to him. How could he even be sure if what he felt for this girl was love or mere infatuation?

Katie lightly kissed his neck and whispered against his skin, "I…love you, Adam."

Her words were what savagely ripped him out of his trance.

His eyes sprung opened and he jumped out of her embrace as if she were on fire. It suddenly occurred to him that was the first time anyone has ever said those three words to him before. He had to admit, they sounded good, especially coming from the person whom he yearned to hear it from the most. Just hearing Katie say those words stirred and ignited something inside of him he thought a man such as himself was incapable of having. It was a curse and a blessing all at the same time. As much as he wanted her love, he was just unwilling to accept it.

It was such a bittersweet moment. Here was the woman of his dreams confessing her undying love for him and all he could do was stand there like some fucking mindless idiot. Everyone was correct in their assessment of him. He was nothing more than a worthless loser.

Adam shook his head in disbelief, "You don't mean that. You don't know what the hell you are saying, Katie."

She nodded calmly, "Yes, I do. I love you. I've loved you since the first moment I laid eyes on you. Why can't you just accept that?"

Adam had his back facing her with his head solemnly bowed and his eyes tightly closed. He wanted to accept her love. He yearned for it so badly he could feel the piercing and gnawing want right down to the depths of his soul.

Why could he not tell her that he felt the same way? It baffled him how three simple words could be so hard to say, but it was not just the words themselves, but what they entailed.

And that was what frightened him.

He wished that for once he could stop being a coward and tell her how he really felt, but maybe his father was right. He is a little pussy and always will be. His own mother could did not even love him. Why was he foolish enough to think that he deserved Katie's?

Adam loved her far too much to let her into his life. He would just drive her away. Just as his father had did to his mother. He was his father's son after all. If he cared for her at all, he needed to get her as far away from him possible.

He sighed when he felt her small hands braced upon his back. She gently laid her head upon his back and whispered, "Say something…anything. "

He heaved an anguished sigh, "This is a mistake, Katie. I should have never kissed you."

"Why? Why is it a mistake?" She beseeched of him .

Adam whirled around and whispered fiercely, "Don't ya fuckin get it? I'm afraid of loving you, 'cause the next step is losing you, and my heart couldn't do that" He shook his head and sighed, "Just get the hell away from me."

He kept his head bowed the entire time. He could not bear to look into her eyes and discover what he was sure he would find there…sadness.

Sadness caused by him.

He could not contain the shiver that racked throughout his body when he felt her hands cup his cheeks.

Katie stood up on her tiptoes, leveling her eyes with his, "It's all right to be scared, . I'm scared too, but we can work through our fears together. It's okay to be scared. I'm scared. We're all scared. The world's a scary place. We took a scary leap in our relationship and maybe we shouldn't have. But please don't be scared of me"

He shook his head and heaved an anguished sigh, "I'm afraid because you're the single-most, important being to ever grace my existence."

She smiled through her tears and shook her head, saying in an adamant tone, "I'm scared too, but for once in my life I'm taking a leap of faith and doing what makes me happy. You should be happy, Adam. Don't ya see? We both deserve a little happiness considering how shitty our lives have been these last few years. We've wasted too much time denying what we've known has been there all along." She reached up and tentatively placed her hand upon his cheek, "Its about time we started living our lives…together."

Adam felt his defenses weakening, but he had to do this. He had to let her go. If she stayed with him, this would ultimately be the end of her life. This would finally be his chance to do something right for a change.

He grasped the her wrists and flung her away from him, "I said to get the fuck away from me."

The force of the shove caused Katie to land flat upon her bottom. She gazed up at him with curious eyes, but not with hate…just confusion and…love.

His eyes widened in horror at what he did. He did not mean to cause her any harm. Never in his life did he want to hurt her and now he did.

Katie looked him squarely in the eye and defiantly asked him, "Do you love me, Adam?"

Adam knew now was the moment of truth. This was it, the final straw. It was the time of reckoning.

With all of the strength that he could muster, he shook his head and whispered, "No."

She gasped aloud and her eyes went wide as fresh tears spilled forth from her eyes, but she made no attempt to stop them. She could feel nothing. Her body and soul was benumbed.

She nodded in defeat and bowed her head. She knew what he felt, she could see it in his eyes and feel it in his kiss. She was naïve when it came to romance, but she knew love when she saw it.

She slowly got up off of the ground and faced him.

Katie whispered, "I meant what I said, every word of it. I just wish you had the courage to say the same. Do you know what I see when I look at you now? I don't see an amazing man that used to take my breath away with a single glance, I see a scared insecure little boy who's fear of being alone is even greater than mine."

Adam turned his back toward her and ran out of the park as quickly as he could, leaving her standing there all-alone.

He gave her one last lingering glance and turned his back, walking away from her. He could still hear her sobbing, but he tightly closed his eyes as silent tears fell down his cheeks. He was walking as fast as he could, wanting to get as far away from here as possible. He could not stay here another second for he knew as soon as he laid his eyes upon her, that would be it.

He would never be able to let her go…for anything.

She fell down on her knees and bowed her head, sobbing.

Alone…once again.

Her feelings were no longer caged, and her heart belonged to herself…and this time it was in tiny pieces, which would take a while to be put back together without him. And at that moment, as she sat there, she gave in, and the tears flowed freely down her face. She cried silent tears, she didn't make loud sobbing noises. Just crystal tears sliding down her face, leaving trails down her cheeks, and making her eyes go a pale red color.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, and a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.

It makes her so incredibly sad because she wants to be happy so bad. Isn't it shitty to gain a love, only to lose it all in the span of a few minutes?

Katie intently watched Adam's retreating form as he made his way out of the park gates, never letting her eyes waver for a second, until he turned around the corner and disappeared from her view of espy. For some odd reason unbeknownst to her, she felt as if this was be the last time she was ever going to see him again. She never took her eyes off of him as she watched him walk out of the park. Her eyes were blurred with tears making it almost impossible for her to clearly discern his image, but she could see that his hands were shoved into his pockets and his head was bowed.

She slowly got up from the ground and heaved an anguished sigh.

It is such a wild and strange notion love. It is something that can neither be explained nor fully comprehended. Many worthy people through the wide expanse of time have tried and failed. It is just one of those unsolved mysteries and enigmas of the universe.

We may not be able to understand it, but we most definitely feel it.

Perhaps the feelings that we experience when we are in love represent a normal state. Being in love shows a person who he should be. To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead. Love is not enough. It must be the foundation, the cornerstone - but not the complete structure. It is much too pliable, too yielding

There's a lot to be said for self-delusionment when it comes to matters of the heart. Love is everything it's cracked up to be…It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable.

Her mother once told her she could be anything she has ever wanted to be. All she wanted was to be his girl.

He's the exact OPPOSITE of what she imagined the person of her dreams would be, but now that she's met him, she couldn't imagine him being any other way.

It's so hard to explain everything that she's feeling face to face. She just seems to go dry. But she loves him so much that the sound of his voice can get her high.

Love unlocks doors and opens windows that weren't even there before. The heart is the place where we live our passions. It is frail and easily broken, but wonderfully resilient.

True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen.

Katie is not naïve. She knows that she is very young and is ignorant and untaught in the ways of loving someone, but she could care less. She knows what she feels and is tired of pretending, denying and most of all…depriving herself of something she wants so badly.

There is no point in trying to deceive the heart. It depends upon our honesty for its survival.

She could give a damn about all the naysayers and doubters. Let them say what they want. They do not know them nor will they ever. They are nothing more than on the outside looking in. Gossip is the art of saying nothing in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.

Katie quickly walked out of the park, refusing to look back. She never wanted to set foot in this place as long as she lived.

She walked back to the school and retrieved her car. She felt benumbed, mind, body and soul. It was as if she were in a daze. She did not even know how she made it home. All she knew was that she found herself sitting upon her bed, clutching her knees to her chest, curled up in a ball.

Katie heaved a laborious sigh as she lay in the bed looking up at the ceiling. Her crying exhausted her and she felt ashamed for her bout of weakness. She hated crying. It has been over three years since she has had herself a good cry. All those past emotions and feelings that she pushed aside were resurfacing, culminating with the recent events. She did not like being this way. She did not like…feeling. She would rather shove her pain down to the recesses of her soul than deal with it head on. She did not have that kind of courage.

The dark and cold room felt like purgatory

The desolate silence was maddening and frightening. It was the sole reason why she loathed the night. It gave her too much time alone with her thoughts. During the daylight hours it was far easier to preoccupy your mind with foolish fodder and fill your time with meaningless drivel, but as the excitement fades and you are all alone, reality sets in. There is no escape at night. No matter how hard you try the demons just will not let you be. They taunt and mock you. Forever reminding you of things that you wished you could forget.

She damned the sunset and blessed the sunrise.

If she was completely honest with herself, she would admit that the inception of her night terrors and insomnia began just a short time after her parent's deaths. Every time she would close her eyes, she would see their faces. Their wide smiles beaming upon her with so much warmth and love. Their eyes brightly alit in adoration and pride. It was images such as that which invoked the fear of sleep. They were such cruel and heartless memories for she knows that her dreams are the only time she will ever see them. That was not good enough. She wanted them _here _physically and in the flesh. She would not accept such falsities and bittersweet illusions.

She is in a constant state of grievance .She has always felt guilty for being alive when they were not. Sometimes she wished that she was in the car with them when it steered off the darkened sinuous road flying high over a cliff. Then she would never have to know the overwhelming pain of being without them. Being alone.

Even though Katie loved him, she knew that nothing could ever transpire between them. She was far too damaged and broken for someone like him. He far was too good for her. He deserved someone who could give him their utmost devotion and attention. Someone that would appreciate him for the amazing person he was. How could she love anyone else when she did not even have love for herself? He needed someone who was normal, untainted and…whole.

That is someone that she could never be. No matter how much she tried lying to herself, deep down inside she knew the truth.

She leaned her head back into the pillow and sighed.

_So this is what being a real girl feels like? _She thought to herself.

In all honesty, she felt she had not really missed much.

There were so many conflicting emotions flowing within her. The pain over losing something she's never had. She still was yet grieving the loss of him. The pain ran so deep, was so awe consuming that she had to make herself benumb to it at times for she would not be able to handle the complexity of it all. She could not believe she said "I love you" to him for the very first time, only for him to reject her, selfishly disregarding any other feelings but his own.

Katie smiled, despite all of the conflicting emotions she was dealing with inside herself. She could not let him know what she was feeling. Not only would it make her seem weak in his eyes, but he would also pity her. She did not want him returning her feelings out of mere obligation.

The was the least thing she wanted. She wanted him to be with her because he wanted and loved her. That is all she has ever wanted in this world, was for him to love her. It may seem like such an emasculating notion, but is that truly so wrong? To want to be loved? It is the same thriving need that is within us all.

She did not want him to see her as if she were something that needed to be fixed. Regardless of what she was feeling, she had to let him think that she were taking this in a level of high maturity. This was a time in which she had to prove herself worthy to be here.

She has been feeling this way every night since the day of her parents passing. No matter where she may be, she would feel this way.

Katie leaned her head back against the headboard of her bed, tightly closing her eyes and heaving an anguished sigh.

Maybe someone else who was feeling the same as she, but that person had made his position in her life abundantly clear.

He did not want one.

If today had taught her anything, it was that the only person you can ever truly rely on is yourself.

Have you ever almost drowned? In water so cold that your arms are so heavy you can't even lift them and it hurts to take a breath? When your body, it goes numb. You know, and you start choking on salt water, and you realize that you were wrong, that you're not going to make it, that you're not strong enough. And then, all the life inside you, it just starts slipping away. And you think "I just - I should've waited. I should've trusted that the person that I love was going to come and save me instead of gambling with that life and losing. " That's what is haunting her. That is exactly what falling in love is like.

Except, this time, there was no one wanting to save her. She was inevitably left drowning in the depths of her sorrow and foolishly mourning over a love that could never and will never be.

The pain of losing him was unlike anything that which she has ever felt before. It did not even compare to the pain of when her parents died.

Since the first time she saw him, she knew that this was someone who was going to have a monumental impact on her life. And he felt it too. She could see it in his eyes. The eyes that were always shrouded in a veil of mystery. He would always use his anger as a fundamental tool of hiding his pain, but she saw through all that for she did the same.

Every time she would look into his lugubrious eyes, it was like looking into a mirrored reflection of her own.

Katie's pulse is still racing from the kiss they shared. It had to be the most incredible kiss of her life. Of course, she had nothing else to compare it to, but she was positive that no one else could compare to him. Maybe it had a lot to do with the fact that she was head over heels in love with him, but she knew it was so much more than that.

The way he kissed her was so passionate, yet tender. His lips coaxed hers in a gentle, yet demanding manner and his tongue sought dominance . Even now, she lightly touched her lips, remembering how amazing they felt against her own. She will never forget how safe she felt in his strong embrace.

Adam was so cruel to selfishly walk away leaving her the way he did, without even once giving a second thought to her feelings.

He left her broken and tattered, with a want so aching that it reached down to the very core of her soul, demanding to be satisfied.

If she was this much effected by merely his kiss, she could only imagine what would happen if they made love.

There she was dreaming again…

The fantasy is simple. Pleasure is good, and twice as much pleasure is better. That pain is bad, and no pain is better. But the reality is different. The reality is that pain is there to tell us something, and there's only so much pleasure we can take without getting a stomachache. And maybe that's okay. Maybe some fantasies are only supposed to live in our dreams.

Adam had made it plainly obvious that he did not want her. At least, that was what he would like her to think, but she knew exactly what he was doing. He was trying to push her away because he did not think a man such as himself was worthy of such things. How could she get through his head that he was? He was worthy of love just as much as the next human being, maybe even moreso.

Why was it that Katie is the only one that can see that?

So much has been said about love over the years. But we have never truly found an answer. It didn't matter in the end how old they were, or that they were damaged goods. But only that she loved him and he hadn't heard her calling. He still did not hear her calling him from out of her room. Where she wanted to be alone for all time and where they will never find the pieces to put her back together.

Death can be easy. It's living that's difficult.

If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again. The body is a house of many windows. There we all sit, showing ourselves and crying on the passers-by to come and love us, but unfortunately sometimes in life, our cries fall upon deaf ears.

It just seems like; you agree to have a certain personality or something. For no reason. Just to make things easier for everyone. But when you think about it. How do you know it's even you? Have you ever wondered if they made a book about your life, what it would say? As if we supposedly remember what happened. Because if you made a book of what _really_ happened in our lives, it'd be a really upsetting book.

No matter what she will not go back to the girl she once was, stronger, not weaker. She will not allow rejection to beat her down. This experience will only strengthen her resolve. To be successful there is no other way.

Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.

Letting go isn't a one-time thing, it's something you have to do everyday, over and over again.

Katie will get over him. She'll pull it off somehow…

Adam never asked her to wait for him. She doesn't even know if he wants her to. Heck, she doesn't even know if she wants to. But something is telling her that when he comes back, she's going to be exactly what he wants. He will realize she has been here all this time, and he will wonder why he didn't want her all along. And somehow -- that will bring them to their happily ever after.

Someday…

As Adam walked away from her, he finally let the tears flow that he had been keeping in the entire time. He was not going to give her the satisfaction of seeing him weak…not this time. He had to let her see that she could not break him, even though that was exactly what she had done.

There were times he wished that he never laid eyes upon her. His life was so much simpler before she came along. Or so he liked to tell himself, but he knew he was just kidding himself. He would not change a thing. There's not a doubt in his mind that it would still be her because the love that they shared, it was true. She never thought about it, what she made him feel. He used to always hope that they would end up together and he would have that happily ever after he so desperately craved. But the hope he once had, so unreal. All he needs is, all he needs is her. That is all he has ever wanted.

Then why could he not have her?

Adam abruptly stopped walking and leaned against back against the wall. He rubbed furiously at eyes, wiping away his tears, but no matter how much he tried to heed them, they seemed to fall even harder. He was so emotionally drained that he fell down onto his knees and clutched his stomach. He was letting out gut wrenching sobs. He did not even care that he was in broad daylight and that anyone could come upon him at this moment. It was as if he were oblivious to everything. Except the pain that is.

His breathing was coming out in chocked and ragged gasps. His chest felt so constricted, almost as if he were internally suffocating. He has never felt such sadness and anguish like this before. Nothing that happened to him in his past seemed to compare to this moment.

He understands that in this black and white world that she lives in, she didn't see any choices. But that's not his world. He see things in gray ... and that's what makes them different, and that's what made him fall in love with her ... and that is what's tearing them apart.

Maybe she fell in love with him or maybe she just wanted someone to pay attention to her.

Did she really love in him or was it just pity? Was he someone whom was just there? To cater to her every whim and be at her beck and call? Was it ever just about the two of them or was she just looking for someone to serve a purpose in her pampered life?

Adam never wanted to save the world, and his first ambition wasn't to change someone's life. This doesn't mean he didn't care about the important things; he did...it just wasn't at the top of his list. He was a man that just never stopped to analyze things, and he regrets the things he actually did care about. He made choices that he wished would erase themselves from history, and he created drama that he realized was never worth the effort. He's just another guy hoping for a second chance at everything.

He was not happy and he was tired of pretending . If he left, he could become whomever he wanted. He could reinvent himself. He could come back to a changed world because he would be a changed person who no longer needed the masks he wore.

Adam wiped his tears away with the sleeve of his shirt and took a few deep breaths to compose himself.

He nodded his head.

He knew now what he had to do. It was all made clear to him now. Maybe all this happened for a reason. Maybe this was God's way of telling him that he had to get the hell out of this shithole and start living his life.

The pain is too strong right now and the tears are still lingering on his face. That is why he thinks it's best if he just goes.

Adam needs to find himself before he ever finds his way back to her.

After coming home, he changed out of his wet and dingy clothes and lied back in his bed smoking a cigarette, staring mindlessly at the ceiling. The radio was on, filtering the desolate silence with the soft sounds of a love ballad.

He heaved an exacerbated sigh, quickly leaning over his table and switching the dial off.

The unhappiest people he knows, romantically speaking, are the ones who like pop music the most. He doesn't know whether pop music has caused this unhappiness, but he does know that they've been listening to the sad songs longer than they've been living the unhappy lives.

The last thing he wanted to listen to at that moment was some love song. Shit, he was depressed enough as it was. He did not think he could get anymore lower than what he already was. It seriously felt as if he has hit rock bottom. Never has he experienced such monumental pain.

He knew there was only one thing in this world that could ease his pain.

To think that all of this hurt he was feeling could be so easily dissipated by him saying three simple words. The only choice he had, the only thing he could control, was when and how and where that was going to happen.

There have been moments when all he wants to do is take a straight razor and end it all. He recalls taking a shower one day and trying to do just that. Of course, his luck, the razor was so dull it barely grazed his skin. It was at that second when he realized he had no power…over anything.

That's when this feeling came over him like a warm blanket. He knew somehow, that he had to stay alive…for her. 

Somehow, he had to keep breathing, even though he had no reason to hope, and all of his logic said that he would get a second chance to make it all right again. 

So, that's what he did. He stayed alive. He kept breathing. And then, one day that logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, making him realize that his life could never truly be that easy.

It seemed he lost her all over again. He is so saddened that he does not have the courage to reveal his true feelings for her, but he's so grateful that she was with him to create one of the best memories of his life. She gave him something that everyone else had failed to give him…hope.

Hope is a state of mind, not of the world. Hope, in this deep and powerful sense, is not the same as joy that things are going well, or willingness to invest in enterprises that are obviously heading for success, but rather an ability to work for something because it is good.

Katie was that goodness. She was the best thing that ever happened to a godforsaken degenerate such as himself.

This is crazy.

It could not be love. He barely knew her. Did he even know the concept of love? Love was a foreign territory that he dared not tread upon. He has never experienced love that a man and woman share. Never has he known the true happiness of being in love. He does not know the feeling of companionship.

He looks at all the boys that are his age at school and wishes that he could be like them. To him, they are the lucky ones. Their minds and souls are untainted. The only things that they have to worry about were their flashy cars and girls.

Adam only wishes that was all he had to worry about.

All he ever wanted was to know what it was like to be a normal teenage boy, but that idea got quickly blown out of the water just as soon as he was brought onto this Earth. Sometimes normality is not meant for everyone. He has learned to adapt to the life that was given to him.

He knows what he has to do now. That is to keep breathing. Tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?

He closed his eyes, but he just could not seem to go to sleep. Every time he closed his eyes, he would see her face. She incessantly haunts him, night and day. Plaguing thoughts coiled in his mind of what ifs and could have beens. The guilt was slowly eating him up inside, gnawing at his soul leaving him hollow and descried.

It's a strange thing we do… fall in love knowing that if the person we love ever left us it would destroy us completely.

Shouldn't he be happy? Is this not what he wanted, for her to hate him?

If he had finally achieved his goal, then why was he hurting so damned bad? He felt as if he were deadened inside.

You know it's been said that we just don't recognize the significant moments of our lives while they're happening. We grow complacent with ideas, or things or people. We take them for granted and it's usually not until that thing is about to be taken away from you that you've realized how wrong you've been. That you realized how much you need it, how much you love it.

Adam was most definitely feeling the blow. Why did he let himself walk away from her?

How could he have been so cowardly and spiteful? He is haunted by the wounded and broken look in her eyes. Walking away from was the hardest thing he ever had to do in his entire life. The pain and anguish was unlike anything he has ever felt before. All the horrors of his past were incomparable to the sorrow he felt.

Some people say it is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all, but he never even gave them a chance to try and win.

Adam was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell himself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken and he'd rather remember it at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as he lived.

That night was like a nightmare and a dream all at once. It was full of bittersweet reverence and foolish idyllic notions. For just a small fraction of a moment, for the first time in his life, he felt alive. It felt as if he were reawakened from a long deep slumber. He was given a sampling of what love, passion, beauty and freedom felt like and he was starving for more.

He cannot seem to get the kiss out of his mind. His lips were still tingling from it. He can still feel her plush soft lips shyly and tentatively touching his. The way she gently coaxed her hot wet tongue around his own. His skin fleshes out in Goosebumps whenever he thinks about how her small hands felt caressing his skin. Even now he feels her phantom touch. It is the only way he can survive those dark, cold and sleepless nights alone. It was not in the way she touched him. It was how she touched him. She touched him like he was the most delicate, fragile and priceless thing upon this Earth. Maybe in her eyes, he was.

He bowed his head and took a few deep breaths in an attempt to steady his heart rate that was beating at an accelerating speed. Sweat beads began forming at his brow and his hands began shaking. Just the mere thought of it sent his senses spiraling.

It was unlike anything he has ever experienced. He knows that he will never have another moment like that again.

Adam was not naïve, he knew that the damage he caused was irreparable. He knows she will never, under any circumstances let him get close to her ever again. He only has himself to thank for that. The only thing that eases his anguish and gives him solace is the good memories of the times they shared. She gave him the most precious gift anyone could ever receive…her love.

In his short seventeen years on this Earth, he has become a secret connoisseur of 'last looks'. You know the way people look at you when they believe it's for the last time? He's started collecting these looks. There are so many, he could probably have a book larger than a phone book filled with them.

Never did he think he would ever see that look in Katie's eyes.

He would not blame her if she never wanted to set foot near him again. He had not only violated her being, but he took the trust she had for him for granted. He used that as leverage to manipulate her and that was wrong. He knows what it is like to be played the fool. To be ashamed and betrayed and he would never want to inflict that hurt upon another person.

Hell, seventeen years later and he was still trying to get over it. The pain of everything that culminated over that one fateful moment incessantly plays through his mind like a film reel.

Why is that love has him doubting everything that which he had held to such a strong abundance of faith and conviction? To think, a girl that he had only known for a few months could make him feel such self-doubt. He was a boy whom had always prided himself upon his strength. He had thought that he had mastered the art of not feeling. Then why did he feel such a warmth in his chest whenever he would look at her? Why whenever she was not around did he wonder where she was and what she was doing upon that moment?

It was as if he was learning something new about her, like the way she squinted her eyes in confusion, or how her eyes widened in this innocent doe eyed looked whenever she was surprised or shocked. The way she would look at him with such gentleness and…adoration. That was the look he was fond of most of all. Maybe it was because it was a rarity for someone to look at him in such a way, like he mattered.

He has always had this silly idea that when people come together, they stay together. He has to take that with him when he's goes to bed at night, Even if he's going to bed alone.

At this rate, that is what he will most likely be doing for the rest of his life.

In the grand design, women were definitely drawn from a different set of blueprints. One woman can make you fly like an eagle, another can give you the strength of a lion, but only one in the Cycle Of Life can fill your heart with wonder and the wisdom that you have known a singular joy.

He knows it's not perfect, but that's life. It's messy sometimes.

Sometimes doing something is really truly worse than doing nothing at all. Experience is such a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again and again and…again. It is a constant never ending spiral. The infamous "snowball effect." We as people are so ignorant, pigheaded and downright arrogant. We walk around this Earth like drones. Never do we learn from our mistakes, no matter how much they may hurt us.

What will it take for us to finally open our eyes?

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious and a conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. That is the only thing that blinds us to what has been staring us right in the face all along.

Adam may not necessarily have a solution, but he is admiring the problem.

As real as something can be, that's an entirely illusion.

He sat up in bed and nodded his head affirmatively. He knew what he had to do now. There was no other logical solution he could come up. He had to get to leave this place, get as far away as he could get. It was the only way. He could not bear the thought to being so close to her for one more day. Just seeing her face would be a cruel and harsh reminder of what he had given up. It would be too hard for his fragile mind to handle. He was all ready tethering upon the edge of sanity as it is.

There was nothing for him here…not anymore. The one reason why he stayed so long in this godforsaken shithole wanted nothing to do with him. He had lost the one thing on this Earth, which meant the most to him.

What choice did he have but to move on? Sure, he may have just been running away from the problem, but it was so much easier than having to face it. He truly was a coward just as his father never ceased to incessantly remind him of.

Adam stuffed all of his clothes that he could fit into one large duffel bag and took his wad of cash that he had been saving for a time such as this.

He bought a one-way plane ticket to California with his savings.

Adam sat on the airplane, he looked out the window and stared down at the city below, bidding New Jersey its last farewell.

He leaned back against the seat and closed his eyes, smiling.

Even though he was sad to be going, there was a large part of himself that was so happy and excited.

After a while, you just can't cry anymore. You just have to believe that what happens is what's supposed to happen, and well, you can't change that, even if you tried. So just dry the tears, and hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

Be happy for this moment, for this moment is your life.

Don't let fear stand in the way of your dreams.

You'll have dreams that come from sorrow, dreams that come from pride, dreams you'll dream tomorrow and forget or set aside. Don't be scared of dreaming or believing what you see. When life starts to turn to hell, its a dream that sets you free.

Adam's smile immediately dissipated as he began thinking of Katie. She was the only thing about this place he was going to miss. If it were not for her, he would have been long gone by now. It was not as if his father wanted him around. Hell, he would probably be ecstatic that he left. He was finally rid of his presence just as he wanted for all those years. The only reason his father would be sad to see him go was because he did not have anyone else to constantly emasculate all the time. There was no one he had to feed his ego, to glorify and make him feel like the better man.

He felt guilty he had not a chance to give Katie a proper goodbye, but he knew it was much better this way. He never knew it would be this hard losing something that he never had.

You never leave someone behind, you take a part of them with you and leave a part of yourself behind.

We all carry something with us. Of course, it's nice if we travel with someone who can help lighten the load. But usually, it's easier to just drop what we've been carrying, so we can get home that much sooner... Assuming, of course, there will be someone there to greet us when we arrive. Why do we clutch at this baggage, even when we're desperate to move on? Because we all know there's a chance... we might let go too soon.

It's a dangerous world. So we all look for protection, and whether we find it in the arms of our mother, or at the end of a jagged blade, in the kiss of our sweetheart, or at the end of a barrel, we do what we have to feel safe, because we know that somewhere in the world there are those that will do us harm.

One minute you're closer to someone than anyone in the world, the next minute you're never going to see them again.

Letting go isn't about giving up. It's about accepting that there are things that cannot be.

You can make it without them if you did before they came.

Sometimes you meet certain people that can touch your soul in certain ways most people can't. But you have to let them go because you realize that it just isn't the best time in your life for them to come. It seems like you meet the perfect people just when you can't handle them.

There are things in life that matter. There are things in the past that remain. She was a part of his life, and he was a part of hers. And he knew for as long as he lived that he would never let her go.

Now seven years later, if Adam knew then what he knew now. It would have definitely done things a _whole _lot different.

Like he would have taken Katie with him for starters. Or he would have least told her how he truly felt. He would not have let his foolish pride hinder him from what he wanted.

Looking back on it, he wondered why in the hell he was stupid and most of all…cowardly. He could not believe how he could have given up the best thing that could ever happen to a miserable bastard such as himself. She was the only good thing in his world and he blew it. All because he was afraid of taking a chance on faith. Maybe it was because a man such as himself never understood what faith was. He did not know how to love or care for anyone.

No one ever taught it to him.

Love is not only just something we gain. It is something that we learn and witness by others around us. How could he have love for another when he did not even love himself?

Sure, he has cared for a few women over the span of these last seven years, but nothing that he would call serious.

Except one…

Her name was Elizabeth. He had met her one- year after moving to Los Angeles. They met at this club he sometimes liked to go to whenever he felt like getting wasted and escaping reality for a while. She was the one whom approached him. He was just sitting at a booth, minding his own business, reveling in the feeling of the toke he had just smoked when he saw her saunter up to his table. She slid right into the booth next to him, leaned over in his ear and whispered exactly what she wanted to do to him. Every dirty little sordid detail.

Adam will never forget how shocked and intrigued he was by her. He had never met anyone so brazen in his entire life. She took him back to her place and he was heedless to say what happened after that. He's sure that you are all imaginative enough to figure out exactly what had happened.

After that night, the two of them were inseparable. She even moved in with him into his apartment he rented with the money he made from his freelance photography. They did everything together. Elizabeth was a photographer just like himself so they had a lot in common. He really liked her. She was wild, free spirited, beautiful, and fearless and most of all…free. She did not have any problems because she did not want to have any and it was just that simple for her. She was everything he wasn't. She taught him a lot. Not just in life, but about himself as well.

They were doomed from the very beginning.

While he cared for Elizabeth. He did not love her. There's was only one women whom he could ever love. Not a day has gone by that he has not thought of her. She is the first thing he thinks about when he wakes up and the last thing he thinks about when he goes to sleep. She is one of the many ghosts of his past that incessantly haunts him, but she is one he does not mind so much.

He would have nightmares almost every night of that fateful day in the park. The last time he ever laid eyes upon her. Every time he closed his eyes, he would see her eyes full of sadness staring up at him. Some nights they would be so bad, he would wake up in a cold sweat screaming her name, which was very hard to explain to Elizabeth.

Adam thought of telling Elizabeth about Katie many times, but he just could not bring himself to do so. Would she ever understand? Shit, even he had a hard time understanding it at times. Even now, after all these years he could not fully comprehend it all. Maybe he was not meant to. Maybe there were things that happen in our lives we are not meant to understand. We just have to learn to accept them for what they are, regardless of how wrong or illogical they seem, but what he felt for Katie did not seem wrong. In fact, nothing had ever felt more right in his entire life.

As he stares at her pictures, he often wonders if she is happy living her life without him and that she found someone who is deserving of her. As much as it kills him to even think she may have found someone else, he has to accept that possibility. It had been over seven years, he did not expect her to be single forever. Besides, she was gorgeous. Guys were probably lining up to be with a girl like her. A girl with a face like that is born with a boyfriend.

That is what has him worried, the possibility that she may have found someone else to love, that she had replaced him.

The day he walked away from her is still fresh in his mind as it if just happened yesterday.

Saying good-bye to her was the hardest thing he'll ever have to do, and when he gets back, he can honestly swear that he'll never do it again. He loves her now for what they've already shared, and he loves her now in anticipation for all that's to come. She's the best thing that ever happened to him. He misses her , but he's sure in his heart that she'll be with him always. In the short time he spent her, she became his dream.

When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a season, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

There are things in life that matter. There are things in the past that remain. She was a part of his life, and he was a part of hers. And he knew for as long as he lived he would never let her go.

You know what his biggest fear is? That one day, they'll pass each other on the street and have that artificial conversation. You all know the one, the one where you see someone you once shared something special with for the first time in years. You'll stop, exchange a few words, such as "hi", "how are you?" and "what have ya been up to lately?". The conversation lasts no more than five minutes and you go on your separate ways, pretending as if one another did not even exist any longer.

Adam cannot ever see that happening because for he knows no matter where they are, or who they're with, or how long they have been apart, or whatever distance is between them, she will forever exist in his mind and…heart.

When people ask him if he's ever been in love…Well he doesn't even have to think about it.. all he does is picture her face and he's filled with all the love you could ever imagine. Some may say that he never loved her.. that they weren't together long enough for him to fall in love with her.. but let him tell you. He's so deeply in love with her that it hurts. So in love that whenever he looks at her pictures...it breaks his heart more and more. When he thinks of her, his heart aches. Yeah, they may be apart now... but does this mean forever? Will there ever be a them? Will he ever feel the way he felt in her arms again? Will she ever look deep into his eyes and make him weak at the knees? These questions...they haunt him night and day. He doesn't think she knew how he felt about her. Not really anyway. He doesn't think she will ever know...But he hopes and pray for the day when she'll hold him like she did.

The tough thing about following your heart is that people forget to mention sometimes the heart takes you to places you shouldn't be. Places that are scary as they are exciting and as dangerous as they are alluring. Sometimes your heart cannot take you to places that lead to happy endings. That's not even the difficult part; the difficult part is when you follow your heart, you leave normal; you go into the unknown and once you do you can never go back.

Dreaming comes so easily, cause it's all that he's known. True love is a fairy tale. He's damaged, so how would he know? He's scared, and he's alone. He's ashamed.

He was alone. And just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in. Or to give someone a second chance. Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream. Because it's only when you're tested, that you truly discover who you are. And it's only when you're tested, that you discover who you can be. The person you want to be does exist. Somewhere on the other side.

Have you ever had a dream that seemed so real when you woke up you didn't know what to believe? What would you do if what you thought was true wasn't, and what you thought wasn't true was? Would you retreat into your dreams with the hope of finding a more perfect reality? Sometimes life is stranger than a dream, and the only way to wake up is to face what lies beyond the realms of reality and expectations.

Hidden in your soul. And you can only hope that in those moments of dark reflection, that you are not alone.

Happiness comes in many forms. In the company of good friends, in the feeling you get when you make someone else's dreams come true, or in a promise of hope renewed. It's OK to let yourself be happy, because you never know how fleeting that happiness might be.

Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there, because you can't remember a time in your life when it wasn't. But then one day you feel something else. Something that feels wrong only because it's so unfamiliar, and in that moment you realize you're happy.

The sooner you realize things will never be the same again, the sooner you can move on.

When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.

Growing up is full of big moments. Some of them you can see coming from a mile away; and some you can't see at all.

Change is never easy. You fight to hold on, you fight to let go.

In your life you meet people, some you never think about again, some you wonder what happened to them, there are some that you wonder if they ever think about you and then there are some you wish you never had to think about again… but you do.

You start out life with a clean slate. Then you begin to make your mark. You face decisions, make choices. You keep moving forward. But sooner or later there comes a time where you look back over where you have been... and wonder who you really are.

There's no shame in being afraid. Hell, we're all afraid. What you gotta do is figure out what you're afraid of, because when you put a face on it you can beat it. Better yet, you can use it.

Most of our life is a series of images. They pass us by like towns on the highway. But sometimes a moment stuns us as it happens. And we know that this instant is more than a fleeting image. We know that this moment, every part of it, will live on forever.

He lives in a world who's struggling, who's frustrated, unsatisfied, barely getting by. But that feeling's a lie. And if you just hold on, just find the courage to face it all for another day, someone or something will find you and make it all okay. Because we all need a little help sometimes-someone to helps us hear the music in their world, to remind us that it won't always be this way. That someone is out there. And that someone will find you.

Katie is that someone and will always be. A love that they shared happens only once in a lifetime. He will never feel that way for another girl ever again.

Adam thinks about her every single day. Be it during the most inopportune time or when the chaos has ceased and all is silent and mundane. He wonders what she is doing at that moment and if she is thinking of him as he is of her. Every morning he awakes and looks up at the sun and when he goes to bed at night and stares at the moon, he ponders if she too is staring at the sky as he is. That is the only thing that gives him comfort and solace is in knowing that they share the same sky. It makes him feel as if they are still connected in some miniscule way, but he knows his thoughts are futile. No matter where they may be, they will _always _be connected, mind, body and soul. That will never change.

Regret comes in all shapes and sizes. Some are small, like when we do a bad thing for a good reason. Some are bigger like when we let down a friend. Some of us escape the pains of regret by making the right choice. Some of us have little time for regret because were looking forward to the future. Sometimes we have to fight to come to terms with the past, and sometimes we bury our regret by promising to change our ways. But our biggest regrets are not for the things we did but for the things we didn't do, things we didn't say that could have saved someone we care about. Especially when we can see the dark storm that's headed their way.

He was always one for fucking things up. Anything good that ever comes into his life, he somehow finds a way to fuck it up. So he should have known that Elizabeth and he never had a chance.

Elizabeth was not like him. She was a very open and honest person. She was always trying to get him to open up about his feelings and talk about his past, but he just could never bring himself to do so. She would often ask him whom Katie was, the girl whose name he would sometimes call out at night, but he always brushed it off, saying it was nothing. If she only knew the real reason. She most likely would think he was even crazier than she thought. She used to say that he was a brickwall of emotions and maybe he was. But he just did not feel right opening up to her about his past. Maybe it solely had to do with the fact he was not ready to deal with it yet. He hated how she would always baby him like he was some goddamned wounded puppy.

Adam used to think that's why she stayed with him for over three years. She thought she could somehow fix him, change him and make him into a whole person. But how can you save someone that does not want to be saved?

She was always saying how confrontational and angry he was all the time. Imagine a vegan feminist punk having the nerve to say _he's _angry. Now you know how utterly screwed up he was.

It got to the point where she just could not take his moods anymore and left. She had finally reached the end of her tether and who could blame her?

Adam would never forget the look on her face when he walked into their bedroom that day. She was sitting on the floor with the photographs of Katie splayed out before her. The way she looked at him, with tears cascading down her cheeks made him feel as if he was having déjà vu. It was as if he were transported back all those years ago.

He did not even bother explaining because there was no need to. She knew enough. She finally now knew the reason why he was so guarded and angry all of the time. He just stood there silently with his head bowed.

That day she left his apartment and it was the last time he ever saw her again. Any other person in his position would have been saddened to see the person they have been in a committed relationship with for over three years abruptly leave them, but in all actuality he was glad to see her go. Relieved even. Now he had no one to incessantly nag him to talk about his feelings. He had no one to answer to but himself. He had once again chased someone away whom was only trying to help him. He had driven away a person whom only wanted to love and care for him, but just like every good thing that happens in his life, he refuses to accept it. He feels he is undeserving and unworthy of her love.

The last words she ever said to him still haunt him to this day, "_I thought you were too fucked up to love anyone, but I was wrong. You just couldn't love me. Don't worry though. I'm happy for you. I just hope you don't waste anymore time before it's too late."_

Adam was alone once again. It was funny how it always seems to come down to him.

He never pursued another relationship again after that. He just concentrated solely upon his work.

Little did he know that his so-called work would inevitably be the cause of his demise.

As Adam sat there on the cold hard floor, he felt the life draining out of him, knowing that this was most likely his last moments on this Earth. Strangely, he was all right with that. Shit, it was not as if he had anything going for him anyway. He pretty much fucking ruined any chance of happiness he ever had, but it was best that way. He had to do it. If Katie had stayed with him, she would only end up getting hurt in the long haul. She was far too good for a bastard like him.

No matter how much he loved her.

Letting her go was the hardest fucking thing he ever had to do. That was the sole reason why he got himself shit faced drunk before he came home and passed out on the couch. It was to dull the need of wanting to call her. He sometimes would lie in his bed, wishing with everything in him that she was lying right there with him. Wishing that he could have swallowed his goddamn pride for once and just let himself be happy…with her.

Adam did not want to die. Not like this. Not in some dark, grimy bathroom. He could not leave this Earth without at least telling her the truth. He owed her that considering all she had given him over the years. She was the only fucking good thing he had in this godforsaken world. Or once had. She was the best thing that has ever happened to him.

It's agony. Complete, excruciating agony. It's like your heart is being ripped out of your chest and stomped on. You can't breathe, you don't want to eat, and you can't function. It's the most intense pain you'll ever feel, and the worst part is there's no way to relieve it. It's unyielding, merciless torture. And you know it's yours for life.

With every love comes heartbreak, and sometimes it gets so painful you can't do it anymore.

A clean break is easier. you can reset it, and it heals, and you move on. But if you leave things messy. Or things don't get put right, then it just hurts… forever. That's the most frightening aspect of loneliness...You think you're being damaged while loneliness is happening to you, and the worry amplifies the pain. The wrong ones can't hurt you, it's the right ones that can … they can kill you.

During the day, it's all right. When he is working. At night is when it hurts the most.

He only thinks of her at night - in that vulnerable moment between closing his eyes and oblivion - when he can no longer retain his grip on his conscience, allowing his mind to break free from the shackles of propriety to explore all those thoughts he dare not indulge during the day.

The atomic dreams of searing reds and bitter blacks are long gone, banished by girlish giggles, the singed edges brushed away by careful fingers. Auburn curls and peppermint eyes soothe his charred heart and by promises he would never dare ask her to keep.

He no longer has premonitions of falling through the sky. Now he dreams of lying on tartan blankets in their park and of french toast on Sunday mornings, feeding two mouths with one fork. Of diamond rings and white picket fences and children running around in the yard.

Ordinary, _everyday_ dreams. Just like they used to be.

But when he wakes - in that cruel moment between fantasy and reality - he smiles naively before he is suffocated by guilt and regret. Smarting from the sting of tricking only himself, he prays to God that one day they will stop. Not just because it is futile to yearn for someone he can never have, but because it is futile to yearn for a normal life he will never have either.

Adam lets out a shaky sigh as he feels his breathing becoming shallow. His chest feels so constricted and his heart feels as if someone is holding it in an iron fist. He feels almost as if he is internally suffocating. He can feel the hot stinging sensation of tears cascading down his cheeks, but he makes no attempts to heed them. Not any longer. There is no reason to be strong anymore. This is it, this is how it ends. With him alone.

Alone…the epitome of his entire existence.

Adam lets out a shaky sigh and closes his eyes, seeing her smiling face, her eyes filled with love, adoration and acceptance. Things he always yearned for, but never dared to ask for.

He closes his eyes and takes a few deep breaths, readying himself to beckon the inevitable darkness.

Most of our life is a series of images. They pass us by like towns on the highway. But sometimes a moment stuns us as it happens. And we know that this instant is more than a fleeting image. We know that this moment, every part of it, will live on forever.

Many people spend their entire lives searching for the meaning of life, but it has completely eluded them. They look for material goods, thrills, anything except the one thing that they are missing that is right in front of their faces … love. People waste away their lives trying to be the best at something … best athlete, best executive, best anything … but being these things just covers up the fact that we are still missing the one thing that is important to every human being … love.

The world is so much better when we're dreaming…

TBC…There's one more part to this story that will be up in a few days. There's going to be somewhat of a twist. Remember this is an AU, so I can basically to whatever the hell I want…


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